


Unfinished Kisses

by 51stcenturygirl



Series: My future is our future and I will spend it with you [1]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Fish and Chips, Friendship, Getting to Know Each Other, Honest Conversations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Lovers, Romance, countryside walks, sex in a wheat field
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/51stcenturygirl/pseuds/51stcenturygirl
Summary: Richard Ellis makes an unannounced visit to see Thomas at Downton, to continue what they started...
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Phyllis Baxter, Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Series: My future is our future and I will spend it with you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077305
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	1. 1

"Anyone seen Mr Barrow recently?" Phyllis Baxter asked as she walked into the servants hall, in the evening. It had been a busy day after the royal family and servants had left, a lot of work now had to be done to get everything back to normal for when the family returned from the ball. Phyllis had noticed how distracted Thomas had been for the rest of the day, but hadn't seen him for several hours. She knew he was in a happier place now, she still worried about him sometimes, and even though she knew him more now, he was still a very hard person to read.

"Not for a while, last I saw of him was him going into his office" Andy replied, from across the room. He had noticed something different about Mr Barrow recently, he thought, catching a look in Miss Baxter's eye that only a few of the staff would understand.

"Right, thanks Andy." She turned and walked out of the servants hall, towards what was formally Mr Carson's office, knocked and entered.

To be honest, she didn't expect what she saw. Thomas was sitting there in his chair, feet on the table. He seemed a world away, looking intently at a silver pendant, its chain running absent-mindedly through his fingers. He didn't notice her for a moment, but looked up after a while, with a glow of a smile on his face, that she'd never seen on him before.

"Anything the matter, Miss Baxter?" Thomas asked, straightening up and taking his feet off the table.

"Nothing now I see." Phyllis smiled. "I was just wondering where you were, you've been quiet all day, and no one had seen you for a while, so..."

"Everything is okay, thank you. I'm fine. I'm just-" Thomas paused, trying to think of the right thing to say, "yes, I'm good. You've nothing to worry about" Thomas answered, without asking, where Miss Baxter was coming from.

"That's a lovely piece of jewellery" Phyllis said, looking at the pendant wrapped around Thomas' fingers.

"Yes, it was a gift from Rich-" Thomas stopped himself, "from a friend. So I don't forget him."

"Well, you must be very special to him, to give you such a wonderful gift. I doubt he'll forget you, or you him." Phyllis smiled, everything about all this told her that this man, and she had an idea as to who, was more than a friend to Thomas. Thomas is a hard person to read sometimes, he had a talent for hiding his emotions, but this was plastered all over his face. Turning to leave the room, she said, "I hope you two meet again soon."

"Me too, Miss Baxter, me too", Thomas replied as she left his office. Looking around the room, he thought about everything that had happened since that day he had almost thrown it all away. He didn't want to say it out loud, but maybe things were turning for the better for him, finally, after so many years. It was hard to imagine, when he stood in the same room several years ago before Mr Carson, faced with losing everything after making a mistake with Jimmy; that he would be here now, sitting in his chair. It's what he always wanted if he was honest. But more that just a few hours ago Richard had kissed him and subsequently stunned him to silence! Thomas laughed to himself. He had been sitting here for hours because he couldn't think straight. No one had ever had the power to do that to him before and it was a strange, but good feeling. It was strange to enjoy feeling so powerless to control these emotions, a feeling he usually hated. He had lost hope in finding anyone who would be more than a friend to him, but Richard wanted to be more. Thomas found that just the most amazing thing ever.


	2. 2

***3 months later***

Things always seemed to be more chaotic these days, Mrs Hughes thought, as she made her way out of the servants hall after breakfast had been cleared away ready to start another day. Not having the amount of staff that they had ten years ago didn't help, nor did the bell for the back door sounding twice after no one else was around to answer it. Hardly surprising really, everyone was always busy. Sighing, she made her way to the door and opened it to find the royal valet Mr Ellis, who had visited Downton 3 months previous with the royal family, standing there.

"Good morning Mrs Hughes, I'm here for Thomas."

Mrs Hughes raised her eyebrows at Mr Ellis' forwardness. She was not a woman who is easily surprised or shocked, but was taken aback for a while. She liked Mr Ellis based on the time he was last at Downton, but she still didn't really know him, so was surprised that he would just show up without her knowing he was coming to visit. It was not unusual for people who had visited Downton to come by and visit, it happened every now and then, but usually there were told by letter or telegram in advance. She was also taken aback by the fact that Mr Ellis, despite only visiting Downton for a very brief time before, was already on first name terms with its butler. "Is Mr Barrow expecting you?" she asked.

A hall boy rushed passed them with a stack of crates, "No he is not, at least not today" Mr Ellis said with a charming smile, before looking around and asking, "is this a bad time, you seem rather busy?"

"No more busy than we normally are, Thomas is upstairs at the moment, though you could wait in his office until he has some time to spare."

Mr Ellis smiled and nodded, "Yes of course, thank you Mrs Hughes." Mrs Hughes thought, as she showed Mr Ellis to Mr Barrow's office, that she should have told him to come back later in the afternoon or evening when things had calmed down a bit, as the mornings were always the busiest. However, she imagined that Thomas wouldn't be best pleased if he found out that Mr Ellis was here to see him and was told to come back later. She knew Thomas still craved company and friendship, though she wasn't sure if Mr Ellis was a bit more than just a friend.

It was nearing 11am and Thomas was already worn off his feet, he felt like he had been standing and walking for days. All he desired was to lie down and sleep. He honestly didn't know how Mr Carson had done this all those years. He never thought that being in charge would be so much hard work. He was pleased with how things was going though; for the first time in his life he felt content. Despite being worn out a lot, he did overall enjoy his job. The rest of the staff were easier to get on with than before too. But most of all his new relationship with Richard was keeping him going. Yes, if he was honest he wasn't sure if he could call it a relationship- not when they had only kissed once and spent time with each other for just a couple of days. But it was more than he has had in a very long time, someone he could be free with. Someone who understood him, didn't judge him, and was like him in many ways. He was beginning to get to know Richard through his letters, and in turn was beginning to let him in on things he would never even dream of telling anyone else.

"Ah, Mr Barrow there you are." Phyllis Baxter said to him, whilst he was coming downstairs. "Mrs Hughes asked me to tell you that there is a man waiting in your office to see you, he came earlier this morning but you were busy upstairs." Thomas sighed, he really didn't need this now, he had to get the wine list in order before the afternoon, which sounded simple but took ages.

Thomas smiled politely, "thank you Miss Baxter." She had a somewhat strange smile on her face, like she was holding onto some sort of happy secret. He was going to ask her what the matter was, but thought better of it. He was too busy for distractions anyway. Opening the door of his office and closing it behind him, whilst reading the notes on his clipboard at the same time, Thomas without looking up said, "Good morning, what can I help you with?"

"Well, I'm afraid its a case of what I can do for you Mr Barrow."

Thomas jumped. He immediately looked up to see Richard Ellis, sitting in the chair opposite his desk. He then found that he became incapable of moving. Or thinking, actually. He blinked, as he felt a warm smile grow on his face, as Richard stood and walked over to him near the door. "What are-" Thomas didn't manage to say anything else as, by that time, Richard took his face in his hands and kissed him deeply. Momentarily shocked, Thomas didn't react at first, but then brought his arms up around Richard's waist and pulled him in closer, returning his kisses.

Answering Thomas' question that he never got to ask, Richard said, with a handsome smile on his face, "We were interrupted last time, I had to continue what we started."


	3. 3

Thomas and Richard stood there, holding each other for a while. Despite the constant element of risk for men like them in a situation like this, Thomas felt safe, safer than he had ever done really, as he was enveloped in Richard's embrace. Closing his eyes, he savored the feeling of being close to him, both their heartbeats becoming one as they pressed against each other. He could feel Richard's toned body through this shirt and jacket, and was having a hard time not imagining what he would look like underneath his shirt.

A noise in the hallway outside, jumped Thomas out of his daydream and he and Richard reluctantly parted, for fear of interruption. A knock at the door caused both men to step back away from each other to a more 'respectable' distance. "Yes, enter" Thomas said, quickly composing himself.

"Mr Barrow, a delivery needs your signature" said Jacob, one of the hallboys still employed by Downton.

"Yes, thank you Jacob, I'll be along shortly." Thomas answered as Jacob, left closing the door behind him.

"This won't take long, I'll be back soon"

"No please, I forget that you haven't got time off at the moment like I have" Richard said as Thomas left the room.

...

"The house seems very busy today" Richard remarked, as Thomas returned. Thomas smiled, trying to get his head around the fact that Richard was actually here, and the events of the past half hour or so hadn't just been some sort of dream.

"I feel like I am always busy doing something, most of the time I enjoy that, I like to feel useful" Thomas said, pouring Richard a glass of wine.

"Most of the time?"

"Well" Thomas felt himself going red, which was ridiculous considering he was not a teenage boy, "Now, for instance, I wish I didn't have all these plans to make for tomorrow's dinner" Thomas hesitated, "When all I want to do is spend time with you."

"Hmm, well I could stay here until you have finished what you need to do, and then we could go out for the rest of the day, if you are able? Besides, this is a good wine, though I suppose it isn't the usual beverage downstairs?" Rchard asked raising an eyebrow, a mischievous smile on his face, like the one he had when he and Thomas had tricked Mr Wilson on the phone a few months before.

"They won't mind the odd one, and if anyone asks, I'll say the bottle fell off the shelf in the wine cellar and smashed" Thomas answered, with the same smile on his face. He and Richard, really did think in the same way, Thomas thought. He imagined Richard may have been like him when he was younger, getting into trouble just to see if he could get away with it, and loving it when he did. He would have to find out sometime. "I should be able to get things done by mid afternoon, then I'll see if I can get the rest of the day off, nothing much is planned for this evening; if you had come tomorrow then things might have been more difficult."

"Good, cause we never got to have that drink if I recall correctly?"

A whirlwind of emotions jumped up into Thomas' mind, "No, well we will make up for it, and my stupidity." Richard put his glass down on the desk, and put his hand on Thomas' arm, before kissing him again.

"There was nothing stupid about what you did or wanted to do, the only thing that was stupid was how you and those men were treated. You broke the law yes, but who says the law is always correct? We just have to be careful and smarter than them, until this world beings to wake up."

Thomas kissed Richard back, trying to control his emotions once more. No one had ever spoken in his defence with such passion before. Richard put his hand on Thomas' chest, feeling the heat of the pendant he gave Thomas, warmed by Thomas' skin. "You're wearing it?"

"Off course, it's very precious to me, I'll wear it always."

The two men embraced again until Richard said, "As much as I am enjoying this, you'd better get on with whatever you need to finish by this afternoon if we're going to go out."

...

A few hours later and Thomas was finally, after much and not unwelcome distraction, getting through the work he needed to do in order to prepare for a large party of guests arriving the next day. He did ask Richard if he wanted to leave and come back in a few hours, but he insisted on staying. So whilst Thomas sat at his desk and got through things, Richard sat on the chair up against the wall, reading the paper. They talked and laughed for hours about memories of their brief time together a few months ago, and generally got to know each other a bit more. Thomas wasn't normally a big fan of paperwork or making casual conversation. In the past he had always found it hard to know the correct thing to say and when to say it. But he was enjoying just being able to talk so freely with Richard, they had the same sense of humour and the more Thomas talked to him, the more he saw how they just 'clicked'. It was unusual for him, and something that he was still trying to get used too. Most of the time he never showed his true expressions, like a lot of things about himself, he kept them hidden. Even with those amongst the staff at Downton that he has grown to trust and call friends, he still can't say everything he wants to say. Thomas looked up, smiled and sighed. "What is it?" Richard asked, noticing Thomas looking at him, with an expression on his face that just made him want to do things to Thomas, that almost certainly would delay their trip out later on.

"Nothing, I'm just happy that's all"

Richard smiled, "How's it going, almost finished?"

"Pretty much, there's a few things I need to discuss upstairs with Lady Mary and Lord Grantham, but then we can go. Are you sure you are happy with just going down to the village pub and not into York?" Thomas asked, worried that a man who is usually surrounded by the sights and sounds of a big city like London, might find a village setting a bit boring.

"It will be ideal, or else most of our time will be spent travelling. I don't mind being away from things for a bit anyway, I've only seem the house here really, you could show me around the estate a bit" Richard said, sensing Thomas' worry.

Thomas was hoping he'd say that, they couldn't really spend any time together in the village, too many people who know him, too many people who might talk. Glancing at his pocket watch, as he walked towards the door, Thomas said, "I'm glad this didn't take too long then, we should have plenty of places to explore." Turning back for a moment before leaving to go upstairs, Thomas leaned down, to kiss Richard, who was still sitting down and looking ridiculously handsome. Thomas smiled, "It's a wonder I got any work done at all, with you sitting there looking like that."


	4. 4

Thomas and Richard walked through the village towards the Grantham Arms. They had finally got away from the abbey by around 3pm, Thomas managing to get the rest of the day off. It was a warm sunny day, the sky dappled by only a few white clouds, but the moderate breeze meant it didn't feel uncomfortable like some other summer afternoons. Richard, had always enjoyed the busyness of London, but he did think it was good to get away from it all occasionally. He had been on several visits with the royal family to various country estates in the past, as well as travelling up to Scotland for the grouse season, which he enjoyed, though he rarely got to see much of the area he was visiting, which always seemed a shame. So this trip out with Thomas was appreciated. He noticed how Thomas wouldn't walk too close to him, especially when they neared the village where there were more people around. He understood his caution of course, but imagined there was a story behind that.

They found a table inside the pub near the window, which was not too busy due to the mid-afternoon hour. Thomas bought the drinks and carried them over.

"Seems like only yesterday since we were here last at the post office" Richard said, looking out the window.

Thomas chuckled at the memory, "It was one of the best stunts I've pulled that's for sure, though really it was all you. I bet there have been a few more where they came from."

"Hmm, when I was younger I got away with a few too many jokes I'll admit," Richard said. "I'm afraid Mr Wilson, has been the victim of my 'creativity' before."

Thomas leaned forward, intrigued "Do tell."

"Well for around 3 months leading up to Valentine's Day, I sent him valentines cards, supposedly from his 'secret admirer'. Now you see he is married and so you can imagine this improper behaviour, if found out, who paint him in a very bad light. They were signed with only the letter 'E', to make it less likely he would ever suspect me. No one else ever knew since I never said anything and neither did he."

Thomas smiled and laughed his eyes lighting up with an admiring look, "So he never found out?"

"No, I stopped writing them after valentines day, but it put him on edge for a while after that. I suspect you've played your fair share of pranks?" Richard asked.

"There have been many schemes and stunts I've pulled over the years, but most of which tended to backfire on me. Not all were in good nature either, I regret most of them. They made me even less popular than I already was downstairs and upstairs. The amount of times I almost lost my job over doing something stupid..." Thomas sighed. "I was acting out I guess, standing up for myself, I don't know."

"They never fired you though? Did they not have enough proof?"

"They didn't always need it, but things happened that meant I got lucky. I once stole some wine from the wine cellar and tried to pin it on the valet. I wanted him gone so I could get his job. They never had any solid proof I did it, but they liked him and disliked me so that was enough. Though then the war broke out, I joined the army as a medic, so I guess it was forgotten about."

"Is that how your hand got injured? It's an old war wound?" Richard asked, looking at Thomas' covered hand.

"Something like that, I want to tell you. I need to tell someone, I've never told a soul what really happened to it in the war. I have never been sure I could ever trust someone not to judge me or hate me for what I did." Thomas said, looking serious.

"And you trust me?" Richard asked, quietly.

Thomas took a deep breath, "Yes," he answered. "But I can't tell you here" Thomas said in a low whisper. "We could go for a walk near the river, should be quiet there."

Richard nodded, and finished the last of his drink. They left the pub and walked across the village green, where the fair was held in the summer, and towards the path that led to the riverside beyond. Thomas was nervous, he wanted to trust Richard, he did really, but doubt was something that came easy to him. People had promised him the world before, only to take it away from him. Thomas couldn't stand the idea of Richard thinking him a coward, but he had carried this with him for years. He wanted to let it go.

"I was in the Somme in 1916 and had been on the front line for 2 years since I joined the war as a medic. I volunteered to be a medic as I thought I wouldn't see much frontline action, but I was wrong. I was in the thick of it." Thomas said as they sat on the seat near the river. "I was trying to hold it together so much, but I saw things no one should have to see. Anyway, one day after trying to carry a wounded man though the mud, another man was shot in the head, right in front of me, as close to me as you are now. That was the last straw. I had to get out." Thomas breathed,as he looked down. Richard said nothing. "So at night, I found a quiet area in the trenches, had a smoke, and lit my lighter. I held the lighter above my head and the top of the trench and waited." Thomas held up his injured hand, "This got me out, the enemy shot me in the hand, but I never told a single soul because I asked for it. I wasn't strong enough, brave enough to carry on like everyone else." Thomas looked away, Richard was saying nothing. It was as Thomas had feared, Richard would never think of him as a good man again. But Richard, took his injured hand, causing Thomas to jump and look around at him.

"You were in hell, we all were. You did what you had to in order to survive. I wouldn't say that was weak. I'd say that was strong. Having the courage to do that to yourself, well, I'd wish I was as strong as you." Richard said, rubbing his thumb in small circles around the top of Thomas' hand.

"You're kidding right?" Thomas asked, trying to slow his heart so he could actually hear what Richard was saying. "I as good as ran away."

"You know what I think? I think that there would be something worryingly wrong with you if you didn't want to leave that place. You are only human. And you are brave."

Thomas said nothing for a while, "Were you caught up in it too?"

"I was, for a while. I was in France for about a year, I was lucky I guess." Richard paused, "physically anyway. I was thrown a considerable distance when a shell exploded near me, it killed the men who were next to me. I was knocked out, my head was injured enough to render me pretty much useless for the rest of the war; the rest of my body escaped serious injury. Most of the time after that I was in the hospital, my head recovered in time. But it left scars in my mind. For years after the war I had terrible nightmares, I would see those men who died next to me. I would see their faces."

Thomas covered his uninjured hand over Richard's. "Do you still see them?"

Richard shook his head "Sometimes, but not as much. I have moved on enough now. I met someone who helped me deal with my guilt. He cared for me, and didn't judge me. He got me my job in the royal household. After the war, there were a lot of vacancies in the royal household, I started there as a footman."

"Do you still see him?"

"No, he died of influenza about three years ago. After that, I was determined to enjoy life, as I realised how quickly it can be taken from you. He showed me how to enjoy life again, so I had two choices after he died; go back to how I was. Surviving but not living, or to live life in all its colour."

"What was his name?"

"Jack." Richard looked over the river, and smiled. A sad smile, but one filled with loving memories too.

The sun was moving lower across the sky. They had a few more hours of daylight, Thomas thought. Taking a quick glance around to make sure they were truly alone, Thomas leaned towards Richard and kissed him gently on the lips. After a moment, they broke apart "Hmm, it seems we both have our dark corners" Richard said.

"You have no idea how much I've needed to tell someone what I told you." Thomas said. "All this honesty has given me quite an appetite, how about we get some fish and chips?" Thomas smiled, lightening the mood, "Nothing fancy, but hopefully good enough for you."

"You do know I don't eat in fine restaurants all the time, just because I'm from London. Most of the time it is fish and chips out of paper too you know?" Richard smiled at Thomas' ignorance, he'd have to take him to London sometime, he thought. Hopefully that would be possible one day.

The two men laughed as they got up and made their way back to the village, both feeling lighter after sharing their most hidden secrets.


	5. 5

Thomas and Richard walked back towards the river with their fish and chips. It was now about 7pm, the sky was still light, though the night sky was threatening to make an appearance soon, indicated only by the evening bird song in the trees around them. Thomas knew that he would have to be heading back in a few hours. But today had been one of the best days of his life and he wasn't about to give in to the incoming darkness anytime soon. Therefore, he decided that they could walk back to Downton the long way round, though the woods and across the fields. It would be dark by the time they got back, but he had walked this way back several times on his own before, back when he didn't want to return to Downton at all. Besides, the darkness would have its advantages- Thomas desperately wanted to be able to kiss Richard goodbye when they arrived. They found an old tree branch to sit on the edge of the woods above the fields, Downton Abbey sitting off in the distance, the lights beginning to be turned on inside. They were truly on their own here, until now they had stayed a safe distance apart, in case anyone should come across them, but Thomas noticed that Richard had moved closer to him, so that they were almost touching.

Richard was enjoying the calmness of their surroundings. It did surprise him in a way, he had lived in London for so many years now that he had forgotten what it was like to be somewhere that was quiet. Even when you were able to get away from the streets, you could still hear the sound of motors, trams, trains and the murmur of people. He thought of it as the sound of life, the sound of a city that never stopped moving, somewhere that he could, in a way, hide in plain sight. It was odd in a way, but being surrounded by strangers all the time meant he didn't need to worry so much about what people would say about him, because they didn't know him. To an onlooker, he was just another man in a big city. He imagined it is much harder for Thomas, as in a village, everyone knows you and people notice things and talk. Talk could be dangerous to men like Thomas and him. Richard was watching Thomas finish the last of his chips. He really was a very good looking man. Tall, but not too tall. Grey eyes, like he had never seen before. Deep black hair, that was usually held in place by pomade, but over the course of their day out, had begun to come loose, and was flopping over his forehead. Richard like his hair like that, it made Thomas look more relaxed. Thomas finished the last of his chips and was licking the fat off his fingers, he noticed that Richard had been watching him, which he enjoyed. Deciding to tease him, Thomas said with a smirk on his face, "What is it? My table manners not good enough for you?"

"Just thought since you are a butler of a fine house you would not resort to wiping your finger over the paper?" Richard responded smiling, picking up on Thomas' tone.

"Well, I may be Downton's butler, but I don't have to mirror how the upstairs folk behave do I?" Thomas said, quiet enjoying the banter. Richard chuckled. "Does that bother you?" Thomas asked, leaning closer to Richard, putting his arm around Richard's back, pulling him closer, not bothering to look around to see if anyone was watching, their lips only inches apart.

"Absolutely not Mr Barrow," Richard said, before closing the gap and kissing Thomas passionately.

They must have stayed like that for ages, though understandably Thomas wasn't concentrating much on the time, or anything else other than how Richard was kissing him. It was getting dark now, the sun had just set below the green horizon. Thomas imagined that this may have led to something more than just kissing and touching, if they hadn't both heard a twig snap in the woods behind them.

They both jumped back from each other, Thomas pulse was racing for a much less pleasant reason now- fear. Suddenly, a rabbit darted out of the woods from behind them, making them both jump. Thomas sighed with relief, he wanted to pick up where they had left off, but the moment had passed.

"Damn nature" Richard said, taking Thomas' hand again, in an effort to relax him.

"I'm sorry," Thomas said. "I'm not very good at this, I can't help but being on edge. I've been caught before, twice in fact. I take too many silly risks."

"Its okay, as I've said before, you're only human. Besides, I doubt the rabbit will run off to the nearest police station and report us." Thomas smiled, Richard always knew the right thing to say didn't he? "If I may ask, and you don't have to tell me if you want, but you said you were caught twice. I know about the time at the club in York, obviously, but what was the other time?"

Thomas sighed, this was another of his thoughts he had wanted to get off his mind. "Well, if this thing between us is to continue, then I suppose it's only fair that you know what sort of idiot you are dealing with. There was this footman. His name was Jimmy Kent."

...

Thomas took a deep breath, pausing to gather his thoughts momentarily before continuing. He hadn't talked about Jimmy to anyone after Jimmy left Downton several years ago. It was easier in a way to try not to think about him, because up until very recently, Jimmy was the closest Thomas had got to falling in love. "I liked him the moment I saw him, he had that sort of face that all the girls liked. He had golden blonde hair that always seemed to fall over his eyes in a way that made my heart skip a beat. He was a flirt and far too vain for his own good, I knew that. He wasn't the smartest kind of guy either, but, for a while at least, we got on well. We seemed to understand each other. But the problem was, I had been alone for so long by that time, I think I tried to see what wasn't really there. To put it simply, I misread the signs. I thought he was like us, but I found out the hard way that he wasn't." Thomas waited for a moment, for Richard to say something. But took Richard's silence as an indication for him to continue. "I did something so so stupid, it was the worst way to find out if I was right about him. I went to his room late one night. I kissed him, whilst he was sleeping. Anyway, another footman, Alfred, walked in just at that moment, Jimmy flew off the handle with rage, and I..." Thomas trailed off, not knowing how to put it into words, Richard took his hand. "The next few days things just got worse, a combination of events came to a head, that resulted in me almost losing my job and almost being arrested. Mr Carson, called me into his office and called me all sorts of things. He said I was 'twisted by nature', that I was 'foul'. I have great respect for him now, but that remains something I can't easy forget. In the end, with the surprising help of a few of the kinder staff, and a bit of blackmail, things were resolved."

"So Jimmy forgave you?" Richard asked.

"Not for a while, he didn't want me to loose my job or get sent to prison anymore, but things were still uneasy between us for a while. I couldn't help it though, despite everything he had done to me, I could only see good in him. I wouldn't have a bad word said against him. I was completely blind, I knew that but I didn't care. I just wanted him to like me again. He forgave me eventually though. One day we were all down at the fair, Jimmy had won some money on a bet and was being stupid getting drunk and flashing his winnings around. Some thugs attacked him under a bridge. I pushed Jimmy out of the way and took his place. Those men punched me up instead of him. Of all the things that happened, I never regret doing that, despite how much it hurt me physically, cause Jimmy said I was brave, and he agreed to be friends with me. The pain of him not being able to love me, was always there, but I don't blame him for that, I had his friendship again."

Richard sighed, Thomas has really had a tough time hasn't he. "We've all made the mistake of misreading the signs, trust me. Love makes us do stupid things, it can blind you. Jimmy left Downton though?"

"Yes, we were friends for a good while, but Jimmy was a ladies man to the letter. A combination of that and my blind devotion to him, resulted in him getting fired one day. He slept with one of the upstairs guests. I should have stopped him, but I couldn't for some reason. We lost contact after he left, I never spoke of him again." Thomas ran his hand through his hair, "so now you know how silly I really am, are you still sure about me?"

"I agree with Jimmy on one thing- you are brave. Not just for what you did for him, but for how you can tell me this. It takes a lot of courage to be this honest with yourself in front of somebody else. I would be a fool, if I let you go. So you are stuck with me," Richard said. It was now dark, the only light coming from the stars and the full moon shining through the trees, but Thomas could still see the smile on Richard's face. He wasn't sure about God or anything, but was wondering if an angel had sent Richard to him, just at the right moment. Tracing his hand up Richard's arm and then around the back of his neck, Thomas kissed him. Lightly at first, until Richard deepened the kiss. Richard pulled back for a moment, "You shouldn't doubt yourself so much, Thomas. Trust me, you are very good at this." Thomas chuckled, before kissing Richard again.


	6. 6

They really had lost track of time, Thomas thought as he and Richard walked along a small track that bordered the woodland, towards the fields in the valley below them. The moon was full, but it was still dark enough that the stars were bright enough to see, even in its milky glow. On a summer evening that must mean it was nearing midnight. Thomas would have checked his pocket watch, but he wouldn't be able to see it anyway, but more importantly it would mean taking his hand out of Richard's, which was something he was not willing to do for anything right now. This was an extremely rare moment for him, in fact he had never done this before. Walked hand in hand with someone he loved. That word, Thomas thought. He was only ready to admit it to himself at present, he did love Richard. But he wasn't ready to say that out loud yet. He had been rejected so many times, by people he thought had loved him, he wanted to be absolutely sure of it first. It was strange how the world changed at night, Thomas thought. What they were doing right now, would be a huge risk during the day, but the night was a shield against the unjust judgement of the world. Tonight, they may as well have been on another planet, because no one could stop them or hate them here. Under the protection of the night, they were untouchable.

Richard was basking in this moment of solitude with Thomas. Of course, in London there were many places one could be alone with another, but this was different. They weren't hiding like fugitives behind closed doors or in dark alleys, always keeping an eye out for anyone who might interrupt them. Here, it was just them, hidden by the darkness, but completely out in the open at the same time. There was something about Thomas too, that Richard couldn't quite put his finger on. He was clearly someone who had been hiding for his entire life, trying to get on the best he can, fighting for every chance he could take. Thomas was a fighter, he had a determined nature, Richard could tell. But it has taken its toll on him, and throughout all that Thomas had told him about his life this past day, Richard could tell that Thomas had been lonely for too long. He could imagine how it would feel, living in such a big house where all around you, men and women would fall in love, get engaged and then married, whilst knowing that you can't have that. He knew the feeling all too well. All the weddings he had sat though, trying to be happy like everyone else. Being surrounded by other people's love, but not being aloud any yourself, is painful. Richard guessed what Thomas thought of him though, that he has had many lovers before. Whilst he has had a few, and one or two that were much more, Richard felt something very deep in his heart for Thomas that he hasn't felt for a long time. Love, maybe? They hadn't known each other for long, hardly spent any time together, but Richard did believe that sometimes things are just meant to be. He would do all he can to make this work between them, he would fight too, because he knew Thomas would be worth it.

"We could cut through here," Thomas said, breaking the peaceful silence, pointing to a gate they were about to walk past.

"A wheat field?" Richard asked.

Thomas laughed, "Well at least it's not a field full of cows. Besides, I've done that loads of times before, everyone does, cuts off a fair distance. Otherwise it would be walking along the roads round here. It hasn't rained for ages, should be dry enough."

Thomas climbed over the gate, and jumped down the other side, Richard doing the same. It was a miracle that he didn't fall into an undignified heap on the other side of the gate considering he couldn't see how much of a drop it was on the other side, Thomas thought, as he took Richard's hand again. He had some idea of where he was going, but going in a straight line across a field in the dark wasn't as easy as he had thought. Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of Richard, he aimed for a silhouette of the line of trees he knew bordered the other side of the field, and together they headed towards that. Thomas was concentrating so much on keeping the correct point on the line of trees in sight, whilst enjoying the warmth of Richard's hand in his, he didn't notice the ridge in the ground in front of them. Suddenly, Thomas tripped and fell through the blades of wheat onto the earth below, pulling Richard down on top of him. 

Winded, and a little embarrassed, Thomas just lay there for a moment, waiting for Richard to move, which he didn't. "You okay?" Richard asked, when Thomas made no indication of moving out of their entanglement.

"I'm fine," which was all that Thomas could manage, due to getting increasingly distracted from any pain that should be there, by Richard's position on him. He could feel Richard's heart beating through his own chest, his breath on his face. Thomas knew what he wanted, what they both wanted. But they were lying on the earth in the middle of a field, it sounded ridiculous, Thomas thought. The battle going on inside his head about whether or not he should make the first move, was abruptly interrupted by Richard kissing him lightly then more firmly on the lips. Thomas' mind was made up then, no holding back for him this time. He kissed Richard back deeply, wrapping his arms around Richard's back, pulling him down closer. Thomas' hands traced up and down Richard's back, searching for a way in, moving up to his shoulders and round to the front of his collar. Despite not being able to see practically anything, Thomas found his way to unbuttoning Richard's shirt and undershirt and removing them both from him- perhaps all that time serving as a valet was finally becoming useful. Richard, returned the favour, though a little less carefully as Thomas heard a couple of buttons pop here and there. Thomas couldn't have cared less though, as soon after the only thing covering them both was the white glow of the full moon shining overhead. Thomas, ran his hands up and down Richard's back, finally being able to feel Richard's perfectly toned muscles, as he kissed and nibbled Richard's lower lip. Thomas moaned, really not caring how much sound can travel over an empty distance, as Richard kissed and licked behind Thomas' ear and down his neck towards his chest, worshipping every inch of Thomas, slowing his pace of his journey southwards, leaving Thomas writhing in eager anticipation. As Richard reached Thomas's lower stomach, opened his eyes and looked down at Richard, their eyes meeting in the moonlight for a moment, before Richard moved quickly, suddenly taking Thomas inside his mouth. That was it for Thomas, as he threw his head back, cried out, and fell into a deep and beautiful surrender.


	7. 7

Thomas and Richard lay close together, cut off from the world by the darkness and the surrounding blades of wheat. It was a warm night, but Richard had pulled his coat over them both, and was perfectly content to stay like this forever, watching Thomas sleep, runnng his fingers through Thomas' immaculately black hair, that occasionally clung to his forehead with sweat; a result of their hours of sex and love making. He'd never been with anyone in such an unusual location before, it was spontaneous though, this night. Their afternoon was supposed to have been just that- the drink at the pub that they never managed the first time. But neither of them wanted to waste a minute. Neither of them wants this to end. He was tired after such a long day out, but regrets none of it. He knew there would be a few questions from the staff at Downton as to why their butler was out all night with another man, but he didn't want to worry about tomorrow. Besides, he and Thomas could come up with something to explain this, and from what he could tell the Downton staff seemed kind enough.

Thomas, woke from a light sleep, sensing Richard watching him. He had felt him stroking his hair as he slept, and was enjoying the sensation of sleeping next to someone for a change. It had been a long time since Thomas had slept with someone, too long, and those times were just one off nights, on the odd trip to London or abroad. Just sex, nothing special. He tried to think of a time in the past where he was this content, but this, right now was heaven. Thomas Barrow is happy. He also had something more too- hope. Richard really did want him, and even after this night has ended, and the months of waiting to meet again began, Thomas was more sure than ever that he could bear it. Thomas smiled, a thought crossing his mind.

"What is it?" Richard asked.

"Just thinking what everyone would say if they saw us now" Thomas replied

"Hmm, well I don't know about you, but I'd rather we didn't have an audience of your colleagues, Thomas" Richard said, causing them both to burst out laughing.

Thomas turned to look up at the night sky, "Well I didn't mean it like that"

"I know, just pulling your leg," Richard said, leaning over to kiss Thomas. "Thomas," Richard said in a more serious tone, "You know, in any other world, I..."

"I know," Thomas said, cutting in."Me too."

Thomas pushed himself up closer to Richard, who reacted by putting an arm around him. Feeling himself growing tired again, Thomas fell asleep once again in Richard’s arms.


	8. 8

Thomas woke to the sound of bird song. The morning sun was still hidden below the horizon, but would be making an appearance soon, the darkness of the night disappearing with every minute, and being replaced by a soft blue glow. He was faintly aware of something tickling his chest, and looked down to see Richard's head lying there, his hair lightly brushing Thomas’ chest as he breathed in and out. 

Richard woke to see Thomas smiling at him, he had a nice smile, Richard thought. "You're looking radiant this morning," Richard said, shifting off Thomas' chest and kissing his lips gently.

"I was enjoying the view," Thomas said, with a glint in his eye, before Richard kissed him again, his hand touching the pendant that he gave Thomas, which was still around Thomas' neck. "I don't want this to end, it's nice waking up to you being with me. It's hard not knowing when or if I'll see you again," Thomas said sadly.

"It won't be 'if', I'm certain of that. I've had the best time, Thomas. The best in a long while." Richard kissed him again, before lying down next to Thomas again. "I won't let the world's rules beat us that easily, as I said before, we have to be smarter than them. We will do this again." Richard paused, thinking for a moment, "perhaps, I could take you to London one day, show you my world, if you like." Thomas smiled at the thought, he loved Richard's determination to defy the rules, and was about to tell him he'd love to go to London with him, when Richard suddenly turned towards him and put a finger on Thomas' lips, just as he had done before on that night in York after he rescued him. 

"What is it?" Thomas asked

"We're being watched," Richard said seriously looking up to the blades of wheat behind Thomas' head. Thomas turned in the direction of Richard's gaze, and sighed with relief. A small harvest mouse was sitting halfway up a blade of wheat chewing happily whilst looking down on the couple.

"Really? You almost gave me a heart attack," Thomas said, before hitting Richard playfully with his shirt that was lying on the ground next to him. Richard laughed and grabbed the shirt from Thomas.

"Sorry," Richard said, smiling mischievously, "we should be getting out of this field though, before any farm workers come down here."

Thomas sighed, sat up and grabbed his clothes, that were scattered in various locations. He was certain that when he turned up at Downton, many eyebrows would be raised as to why their butler was looking a bit worse for wear. Still he had the best time of his life over the past day, despite the fact that he knew they would have to part soon, he wasn't too sad. He had the next time to look forward too. Well, if he could find his shoe that is...


	9. 9

The sun was now peaking above the horizon and streaming through the trees that bordered the lane that Thomas and Richard were walking along, on their way back to Downton, its points of light ablaze with the promise of a new day. The couple took a last chance to walk hand in hand whilst no one was about or likely to see them for as long as they could, both savouring the moment. Thomas wasn't looking forward to spending nights alone again, he could really get used to waking up to Richard being next to him. Despite this though, knowing that the two of them had grown so close over just one day, lifted Thomas' spirits in spite of the fact that they would have to part company soon. Thomas, at first didn't want to be too hopeful when he first met Richard all those months ago, but now he knew they had something special. It was really the first time in his life that Thomas had felt loved, unconditionally, by anyone.

They finally had to let go of each other as they neared the path that led up to the house. Thomas felt nervous, he wasn't sure he needed to be. Afterall, it was no secret amongst the staff of the type of man he was, they seemed to be okay with him, or at the very least turned a blind eye. But Thomas had been out all night alone with another man, and had no reasonable story to cover why they were back the next day instead of last night. He was generally good at hiding himself and covering his tracks, but his mind was blank with ideas. Richard sensed Thomas' nerves, "you hoping to sneak in without anyone noticing?" he asked.

"Something like that"

"Best not too do that in my experience, gives the impression you have been up to no good. Besides, the people here seem to like you well enough, I doubt they will ask too many questions," Richard said, trying to reassure Thomas.

"Yes they do now, but I'd rather not give them a chance not to like me," Thomas said as they rounded a corner and walked towards a point where two paths meet. "Damn," Thomas said, as he saw a couple walking up the other path towards them. It was only Mr and Mrs Bates, walking up from their cottage, not the worst people he could run into, though he was still hoping to run into no one.

"Good morning," Thomas said to the couple, hoping he looked calm, Richard nodded in greeting.

"Good morning, Mr Barrow, Mr Ellis." Mr Bates said.

"I hope you had a good time out, Mr Barrow. Mrs Hughes mentioned you took yesterday off" Anna said, looking back and forth between Richard and Thomas. "Though, you look a little worse for wear, if you don't mind me saying." Anna smiled, trying not to laugh, whilst putting two and two together in her mind, knowing Thomas wouldn't appreciate that.

"What is it Mrs Bates?" Thomas said, noticing her expression.

"Nothing, just that you might want to give your hair a once over before walking inside. Looks like you've been through a hedge backwards, you too Mr Ellis." She said, looking towards Richard.

Mr Bates was finding all this rather amusing, he wasn't used to seeing his old foe looking so disheveled. Thomas didn't really know what to say, so was grateful when Richard spoke for him. "We were out rather late in the village, I'm afraid. We walked the long way around as I had previously asked Mr Barrow to show me Downton's estate. I never had the chance to see it properly on my last visit here. We would have been back late evening, but as it got dark and we had no torches, we found ourselves a little lost." Thomas was impressed. Richard really knew how to talk himself out of an awkward situation, better than he ever could have done. "We had been walking for a while and so we decided to sit down in a field and rest a while. We were rather tired and the next thing I knew it was morning, so we must have fallen asleep."

"So you quite literally walked through a hedge backwards?" Mr Bates asked, a smirk on his face.

"Quite possibly, yes," Thomas said, playing along with Richard's story.

"Well, it seems you two had quite the adventure," Anna said, smiling. "We'll see you back at the house."

"Yes, I'll be there soon," Thomas said, hanging back a little so he and Richard could be out of earshot. "Impressive storytelling, thanks for saving me from saying something silly. Do you think they bought it?" Thomas said to Richard, after Mr and Mrs Bates had walked on a little.

"Possibly, but either way they won't know what really happened, that's between you and me," Richard said, smiling at Thomas, and feeling rather pleased with his quick thinking, as they walked up the path towards the back entrance of the house.

...

A little further down the path, John Bates said to his wife Anna, "You don't believe that story do you?"

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But either way Mr Barrow looks like the cat that got the cream." Anna said smiling.

"He did look happy, never really seen a real smile on his face before. Strange to say, but it suits him." John, replied.

"Seems like Mr Barrow has a lover," Anna said. John raised an eyebrow, "I wasn't born yesterday, you don't get your clothes and hair that messed up by just 'sitting' in a field at night." They both chuckled, whilst silently agreeing to keep this to themselves, for Mr Barrow and Mr Ellis' sake.

...

Thomas and Richard walked through the gateway that led to the yard and the backdoor. It was beginning to rain, not the sort of rain that drowns you on the spot, but the sort that lightly coats your hair and sparkles in the still present morning sunlight. Thomas didn't know how to end this, he wasn't good at saying goodbye. "You didn't need to walk me right to the door you know," Thomas said, a slight smile on his face.

"No, but I wanted too." Richard looked around a moment before continuing. "I wanted to kiss you goodbye, but I can't really. Not with people arriving here every moment." Richard took a step closer towards Thomas. "I had the best time in a long while Thomas, I enjoy your company." Thomas' heart was racing again, he breathed out a shaky breath.

"Thank you. You've given me hope, and made me very happy." Thomas said, "When will I see you again?" He asked in a quieter voice, to reduce the risk of being overheard.

"I'm not sure if I'm honest, but I will find a way to see you again. Maybe take you to London like I said before?"

"Yes, I'd like that," Thomas replied, as Richard pulled up his coat. "You should go before you miss your train."

"I suppose I must, until next time Mr Barrow," Richard said, taking his hand briefly, before turning away, his hand slipping out of Thomas'.

Thomas, couldn't manage any words. But he didn't want to part like friends. Richard had almost disappeared out of the gateway and around the corner, "fuck this," Thomas said to himself, as he ran across the yard towards Richard. "Richard!" Thomas said earnestly, as Richard turned to the sound of Thomas' heavy footsteps behind him. Before Richard could say anything, Thomas had took his hand and pulled him into a gap between a pile of crates and a wall, pushed him up against the wall and kissed him deeply. "I had to say goodbye properly," Thomas said after a moment, breathing quickly. They stood there for as long as they dared, faces inches apart, the rain covering their coats in thousands of little shiny beads. "You won't forget me?" Thomas asked.

"Oh Mr Barrow, how could I ever forget a man like you?" Richard smiled, the two men coming out into the open again. "You'll see me again, Mr Barrow," Richard said tipping his hat, before turning away once again.

Thomas Barrow watched him walk away into the summer rain, knowing that finally, after all these years, he was not alone.


End file.
